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Thursday, 26 March 2020

Tips On How To Be A Better Parent And Stop Yelling At Your Kids

Parenting has never been easy. Any advice on better parenting is appreciated in this household. Especially, at this time when we are all in “home isolation".  Please don’t expect that you will suddenly master the parenting skills from this post. Its just a gathering of all my little tips that I am trying to follow to be a better parent.

I have read a couple of books about parenting, as you all know I do like my books for routine and Anything to do with kids, get some tips on how to deal with tantrums and so on ...

A Great book to recommend to every parent out there with kids of any age is NO DRAMA DISCIPLINE by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson.
This book just makes it look so easy, and has made me feel guilty on some occasions ( about how I handled some of the examples they mentioned in my own life, as I have a very short fuse and i can loose temper very easily )  but that is a good thing, as it made me realise what I was doing wrong and how to change the approach completely when it comes to dealing with my anger and yelling at my child.

Another great book to read is THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN by Gary Chapman. This book explains behaviours of our children, how to understand their behaviour and inspire you to be a better parent.

We are the role models for our children, they watch our behaviour in many situations, they copy it and associate with it as normal. We are probably aware of this by now but in the situation when we are angry we don’t think that. The anger takes over and we yell, and the more we yell the angrier we are. I hold my hands up because that is me, completely.
We are only human and we get angry, kids drive us nuts sometimes, and especially when we are tired we lose temper quicker then necessary.
 Sometimes, when my daughter is in bed I feel so bad for how I reacted on a particular occasion when she made me mad, and realised how I could have done it differently without yelling.
I should have done it with calmness because most of the time if kids do something wrong they didn’t mean it, it wasn’t on purpose and they are probably sorry, but a yelling parent can trigger their anger too. Kids that are too young don’t know what is right or wrong, we have to educate them often so they remember.

By all means, I am not a perfect parent and I am still working it out and always will be as that is parenting for you. We are just not going to act always the way we want to, but at least trying to control our anger and respond in a more friendlier way is a good start( at least that is what I tell myself).

I am trying to see my child as a person with her own personality, because that is what she is, not someone that I want to change to my liking. I want to respect her choices, teach her what I know but let her be her own self.
I want to teach her to respect, love, share kindness and have confidence by my actions and my reactions to situations not by telling her to be kind and loving and not doing so myself.
Kids only copy our behaviour anyway. Respecting her as a little person is also important, otherwise she would feel frustrated and not listened to. If you come down to make an eye contact and listen to what your child has to say, you instantly make them feel important and respected.

See things from their perspective

Is your child being naughty, frustrated, angry and behaving badly? I am not professional on children’s behaviour but from my own experience this is how my daughter behaved when she wasn’t listened to, taken seriously when she wanted to express herself. But I didn’t notice that straight away, I would have yelled at her to stop that, or put her on a naughty step.
I wasn’t allowing her to express her feelings even if it was anger, or cry.
Now I try to understand why would she act like that, am I not listening to her, which is always the case to set her frustration off.
Did I yell at her for not good enough reason, maybe she didn’t mean to make the mess, spill the milk or break the telly. I try to approach it calmly and ask what happened. Sometimes she gets frustrated even before my reaction, she gets frustrated with herself for what she did.

Kids like to follow rules
If you have kids that argue with each other often fighting for toys, you need to find a good way to approach this situation without just yelling to stop.
If you set some rules in your household that includes sharing toys, they are more likely to follow it. Kids like rules and routine, if they can’t play nicely together set a time when one play and other helps you in the kitchen, for example.
Set boundaries in your house and make clear to your kids what is acceptable and what isn’t.

Give them explanation 
 If child is hitting or fighting you need to come down to their eye level and explain with firm tone of voice why that behaviour is not acceptable, explain to them how much it hurts and that nobody will want to play with them if they do that. Be short and clear, too much blabbing and they will loose concentration. You might need to do this several times before the child will understand.
Children go through the phase of hitting, spitting and fighting but it is your approach to the situation that is most important for child to eventually understand that it is not ok.
Talking to your children about their behaviour is a way of understanding them and their actions.
I would try to find out some advice from books or online and try different things out to see what works. Every child is different, what works for one might not work for the other.

Count to 10 before you respond
This is something I have started doing as I loose my temper very easily.
I count to 10 in my head slowly while taking deep breaths before I react.
I try to calm myself down by saying “ don’t get angry about it, it’s ok, no reason to shout” and sometimes I choose to stay silent, rather then yell. It actually helps me to release the frustration.
I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me, if she did something wrong and is afraid to tell me because of my angry reactions. That isn’t how I want her to see me, I want her to feel confident to tell me everything because she knows I will understand, it wasn’t done purposely.
 She normally cries before she even tells me as she already knows what she did wasn’t right.  I just need to show her that I understand her feelings and I am there for her.
I still have to practice this one yet as sometimes it is so hard to stay calm.

Talk to your kids more about their feelings 
Communication is important in every relationship, even between parents and their children. Talking often about their emotions, frustrations is very essential to understand their actions. You can also apologise to your child for yelling so much when it wasn’t necessary. If you show to your child that you are sorry, they will probably apologise too. My daughter follows by saying sorry to me, for her naughty behaviour. We hug each other and are friends again.
Don’t try to talk to your child about emotions while they are angry, frustrated and yelling. They are not going to be pleasant. You wouldn’t be pleasant if someone talks to you about your behaviour when you are angry. Wait for them to calm down and once they are in a normal state, you can approach the conversation and tell them what you were not happy about.
Understand that sometimes not only us parents but also kids could get tired, which means more emotional and cranky, so we should have more patience with them especially at this time.

Don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t followed your resolution and found yourself yelling at your kids again. We are only human and sometimes kids push our buttons too much and we loose it. Give yourself credit for at least trying and believe that you will do better tomorrow. I normally find myself yelling when I’m extra tired and my patience isn’t there.

I hope that you found something in this post that you can take away with you and try to implement into your daily parenting life. Starting with small changes is better then not trying at all.
Please go ahead and share some of your parenting tips into  the comment section below, I would love to read them.



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